Relaxing

Andrew is out of town and has been since Wednesday.  I sent the girls downstairs to put their clothes away and Maverick finished his and followed.  Judging by the amount of time they have been down there, I'm certain no work it getting done, but it seems like they are playing well enough, so I think I will let them be.

I decided to sit on the couch to relax for a bit.  I started playing a game on my phone and felt guilty for sitting there.  My mind was "chilling" from more drama this week.  I forced myself to stay seated and just allow myself to relax.  I ran out of lives on my game, so I switched my interest.  I found an infographic with a chart showing the top 10 read books.  Starting with the bible, then I book I'd never heard of, Harry Potter, Twilight, a book about getting rich, a few others, then The Diary of Anne Frank.  It got me interested so I downloaded the book for .99 cents and started reading.  It made me think of my own diary.  This blog.  There was a quote she used that I love "paper is more patient than people".  I feel like I can unload on this "paper" and not worry about the burden I might be putting on someone else.  There are so many others with their own set of worries, I feel guilty unloading on them with my troubles.

The only thing I find tricky with this method on my blog is that I do plan on making this into a book and majority of these entries are really written with a public audience in mind.  What if there is something personal I want to add?  I suppose there could be another book I could write in, or in this case another blog, but I would expect that, like most journals, those would be read after I died as well.  Do I tell what my true feelings are or censor them knowing my children will be reading them one day?  Do they really want to know of the troubles and hardship that has come as a result of their adoptions?  They themselves will not have anything to feel bad about, but there is the matter of a certain birth mother that has been exceptionally challenging.  Is it good for them to know how I truly feel, it  may look poorly on me that I'm not more Christlike, or show negative behaviors of a mother that placed them in our home?  Would this harm them, or would it maybe be good for them to see the whole picture?

Like the scriptures, I think I will add the things that have strengthened me.  I imagine that would be the best.

An expectation was made by BM (birthmom) that we would be paying for her groceries while she was here.  We didn't have that expectation.  When she texted me to say that she needed to go to the store I replied that I could drop her off.  She responded saying she didn't have the money.  A natural man instinct was mad.  I wasn't feeling charitable.  I was feeling like I was being used.  We had already had given her a place to stay.  She could certainly manage getting her own food.  Flustered and physically shaking I showed up at my sisters where Becky and Carillisa were waiting.  They basically shoved me back out the door after dropping off the kids and Carillisa went to take Chelsea to the store.  With a much better outlook they reminded me that I would be worth it and that I just needed to make it until the baby was born.  Having the moral support of Carillisa was 90% of the relief that I felt.  Having spent all day at school and in meetings I wasn't in the mood to take a girl that often seemed quite ungrateful to the store.  She was stand-offish when we picked her up, odd silences, she would walk about 5 paces in front of us.  Carillisa would make light-hearted jokes and kept things light.  I was so grateful.  We spent nearly an hour at the store.  By the end Chelsea had warmed up and was giving us advice on how to pick good fruit.  We (Carillisa) bought her some dinner at Arby's and we dropped her off.  I actually had a good time.  We unloaded what we had for her at the hotel and bid her a good night.  I felt afterward like we had definitely done the right thing and that I was again so grateful that Carillisa and Becky had been there for me.  Chelsea texted about 20 minutes later and said "thank you, you made my night".

I haven't miraculously felt a more Christlike desire to help her in every way.  On the contrary, she texted yesterday and wanted to get out of the hotel she was in as soon as possible.  My first thoughts were of frustration at how much work it is to keep her happy and in one place.  I remember the way I felt the other day however, and need to try to look at this with a better perspective.  I need to think less of myself, my time and my money and give freely, without concern of whether she deserves it or not.   This has not been easy for me.....and I used to consider myself a selfless person, but to what degree?  I'm really the one making this harder on myself by being selfish.  I grudgingly take time to move her, or get her groceries, I am upset when everything she needs is so expensive.  I need to remember that everything I have is not mine to begin with and that if it was God, he would give freely and that is what I need to do.  Her needs should be a priority in my mind and think of everything else second.  (Besides God and Family of course)

I have to remember too, as I feel incredibly grateful for my family that have been so helpful and giving to me and providing emotional and physical support that she doesn't have one.  She needs one.  I can help with that.  I should help with that......how?  I can't invite her to my home, it would not be good for Maverick and Brynlee.  Carillisa was very loving towards her at the store, it was a good step.

A final thought.  Thank You to Jon and Tyler who helped me get the trampoline out of the tree and assess the damage.  For Alishia, Becky, and Carillisa for providing support while you were at my house and otherwise.  Thanks to my distant family who offer helpful words and I know would have helped just as much if they were here.  Wish me a change of heart to feel the things I have said rather than just think them.

Hard

This last week has been pretty hard.  There were a lot of fun things, but a lot of anxiety as well.  Chelsea got kicked out of the homeless shelter she was living at in Missoula MT for mouthing off.  Not really a surprise there.  We felt like she was manipulating us because just a few days prior she said that she wanted to leave there and come here early.  We weren't ready for her and it would save us a lot of money for her to stay there so we encouraged her to stick it out, just for her to get kicked out 3 days later.  She told us she was going to take the baby and go to Canada because she was just sick of "this".  I asked her what "this" was and she responded that she didn't have anything to look forward to and life pretty much sucked.  What I wanted to say, prior to hearing that she was taking off to Canada, was very different to what I actually said.  I can't help but wonder if there was some Divine intervention there.  I told her not to go to Canada, and that we would find her a place here.  We scrambled and found a place.  Yesterday I spent half my Saturday getting her picked up, moved in and bought her groceries.  She smoked 3x before I even dropped her off.  I told Andrew and was immediately worried, we said that she didn't smoke, which we thought she was slowing down on because months prior she had said she was down to 4 cigarettes a day and working on nicotine patches.  Not true.  Things weren't looking good, but they just got worse less than 24 hours of dropping her off the landlord expressed concerns and ultimately kicked her out.  She is there tonight but we have to get her a hotel tomorrow.  My body is so stressed and my brain, that going to church today was a much needed sanctuary.  I felt like EVERYTHING they said was specifically for me in not only sacrament meeting, but again in Sunday school and then in Relief Society.  The support I felt from the other sisters as I mentioned our situation was heartwarming.  One lady might even have a place for her to stay.    On top of that this week we learned that Shane's (Brynlee's birthdad) attorney requested a hearing.  Which could mean a few different things, but it just adds more stress to the pile.  We have that in addition to the money we are spending on Chelsea and also trying to finish this new addition to get ready for the baby.  It all has just made this week one of the hardest of my life.

I'm so grateful for my Mom and Dad being here and my sister Becky being close by.  They have been so supportive and comforting.  Andrew has been stressed right there with me, but he has been really great to help take care of things and talking with Chelsea and landlords when he needed to.  Things that I really get a lot of anxiety doing, so I really appreciate his efforts.  Today was a lot of anxiety, but I find myself being really grateful for those around me at the same time.  I really feel the blessings of being a member of the church and having faith that God takes care of us.  I didn't change the circumstances, but I definitely feel watched over and a sort of calm knowing things will be okay.  We only have about 12 weeks until the baby is due....we just need to make it that far.   Deep Breath.  Tomorrow is Monday and I have the rest of the weeks chaos to start thinking about.  Oh yeah, and Andrew has a hunting trip and is leaving Wednesday night.....thanks again Becky

Keeping Maverick

Fun.

Meeting Alishia and Tyler's new baby Hailey

Silly girls

There are so many fires surrounding us Utah is filled with smoke. Gratefully we don't have any but it made for a colorful morning jog. 

First day!

Hanging out, Sunday afternoon. 

We told them that whoever smiled biggest would get dished up first. It was hard to pick ha ha. 

Service

This was a very fun week.  We are really having a good time together as a family this summer.  Today at church we spoke as a family.  Brynlee got up and said I love my Mom and I show her service by giving her hugs and kisses, she then got down and gave me huge hugs and kisses :D  It was darling.  I wanted to hug her forever.  Maverick got up and said that he does service by making his bed, helping Brynlee put away her toys, helping Dad with the dogs and helping Mom cook.  Elizabeth got up and gave a full blown talk.  She said a few remarks about what service was, including making Mom glasses of Chocolate Milk (which she does almost daily).  She then read a whole story from the Friend magazine.  Her reading was full of emotion and she paused at all the right places.  She did a great job.  Andrew and I then spoke on service.  It was so fun to be there as a family.  I was so distracted with my own kids I wasn't even nervous.  Andrew had about 5 minutes by the time the rest of us were done. 

Andrew has been putting his boat together.  He finally got the motor he has been wanting and we went for a little ride yesterday.  It was pretty fun with the kids.  We stopped and swam for a little while.  The little ones transformed from being very nervous to confident and happy to swim.  I hope we can have more fun trips like that.

We told them whoever smiled the biggest would get dished up first. 

Brynlee loves shasta

This swing has gotten a lot of use this summer.

Coloring time.

Loving Grandma's swing.

Hanging out at Aunt Janie's watching a movie.

Maverick showing off his muscles.

Shaw family reunion 2015.  Alexa holding Avery, Dallin, Hailey, Samantha, Elizabeth, Maverick, Macy, Brynlee.

Hanging out on the tractor while we bail hay.

The kids and their Dad.  More than once this summer have they piled on and gone for a ride.
 
I have come to love this picture of Andrew and Brynlee.  She loves him.  They are such a cute pair.  Andrew looks particularly handsome as well.

The kids are all sitting around Shasta's Bed and reading a book.  We decided to let Shasta in the house now that Charlie is gone.  It was a little hard at first because it was a reminder that he was gone, but still better than nothing.  It took her a few weeks to get used to being inside.  She was scared of the stairs and was failing at her duties of eating up the food the kids dropped on the floor.  She is doing better though and getting to be friends with the cat, which has been funny to watch their relationship unfold.  But they both licked each other yesterday. 

I love this new little face that comes to see me in the morning.  Sometimes I get love songs that are especially nice :D

Painting for Mavericks room.

Our Sweet Charlie

There are things that chronologically would take place before this post, but I am so devastated and heartbroken, I don't know what to do.  We lost our dog Charlie tonight and I feel like honoring my buddy. 

He was my first child.  In a time when I was unable to have kids, he cuddled with me.  He kept me company when Andrew would leave on hunting trips.  He would nuzzle his nose into my hand to make me pet him.  Every day when I would come home, he would be waiting for me at the back door to wish me hello.  He sat with me in the garden while I pulled weeds and occasionally would sit right in my way until I gave him the attention he wanted.

He was protective.  He would claim the vizsla puppies as his own.  When a strange dog came over, he freaked out on him, corralled all the puppies under my car and then took off after the big dog again.  He also nearly attacked Dad when he was playing with the kids.  Dad had a big growl and was pretending to "get" one of the kids.  Charlie took it for an attack and Andrew had to catch Charlie out of the air as he flew toward Dad ready to stop him from getting the kids.

We have a lot of other big dogs and Charlie was a fraction of the size, but that didn't stop him from playing.  He would bark and nip and run around in circles.  We called him the short guy on the basketball team.  He would run and play with just as much energy, just wasn't as tall :).

He loved me.  If he had a choice, my lap would be the one he would find.  He would get uncomfortable after a while though and would plop on the ground to sleep.  He had a fun personality.  He was friendly and welcoming of other people.  There were only a few times that he growled at someone when they came over.  One time was an insurance salesman (ha ha) and he even peed on his leg.

I always joked about my dog being my first kid.  I felt that I had to clarify for people that I wasn't calling their babies, dogs, but that I just thought very highly of my dog. 

Tonight I was in the garden when I hard the car hit him.  He didn't make any noise, but I knew immediately what was wrong and went running.  I got about 15 feet away and I lost my breath.  He was twitching a little, but it was clear that there was not going to be a recovery (to save you the gruesome details).   I ran in the house and got Andrew.  I'm pretty sure I went into shock.  I couldn't cry, but I couldn't think straight either.  Our neighbor had come running too and told Andrew to go take care of his wife.  Andrew came and we hugged.  We had just lost a family member.  One that symbolically was the glue during some really hard times in my life.  The tears came.  We told the kids and put (or sent rather) to bed.  Andrew and I just sat there and cried and now, unsure of what to do.  I just want to look at my dog and talk about him.