Andrew is out of town and has been since Wednesday. I sent the girls downstairs to put their clothes away and Maverick finished his and followed. Judging by the amount of time they have been down there, I'm certain no work it getting done, but it seems like they are playing well enough, so I think I will let them be.
I decided to sit on the couch to relax for a bit. I started playing a game on my phone and felt guilty for sitting there. My mind was "chilling" from more drama this week. I forced myself to stay seated and just allow myself to relax. I ran out of lives on my game, so I switched my interest. I found an infographic with a chart showing the top 10 read books. Starting with the bible, then I book I'd never heard of, Harry Potter, Twilight, a book about getting rich, a few others, then The Diary of Anne Frank. It got me interested so I downloaded the book for .99 cents and started reading. It made me think of my own diary. This blog. There was a quote she used that I love "paper is more patient than people". I feel like I can unload on this "paper" and not worry about the burden I might be putting on someone else. There are so many others with their own set of worries, I feel guilty unloading on them with my troubles.
The only thing I find tricky with this method on my blog is that I do plan on making this into a book and majority of these entries are really written with a public audience in mind. What if there is something personal I want to add? I suppose there could be another book I could write in, or in this case another blog, but I would expect that, like most journals, those would be read after I died as well. Do I tell what my true feelings are or censor them knowing my children will be reading them one day? Do they really want to know of the troubles and hardship that has come as a result of their adoptions? They themselves will not have anything to feel bad about, but there is the matter of a certain birth mother that has been exceptionally challenging. Is it good for them to know how I truly feel, it may look poorly on me that I'm not more Christlike, or show negative behaviors of a mother that placed them in our home? Would this harm them, or would it maybe be good for them to see the whole picture?
Like the scriptures, I think I will add the things that have strengthened me. I imagine that would be the best.
An expectation was made by BM (birthmom) that we would be paying for her groceries while she was here. We didn't have that expectation. When she texted me to say that she needed to go to the store I replied that I could drop her off. She responded saying she didn't have the money. A natural man instinct was mad. I wasn't feeling charitable. I was feeling like I was being used. We had already had given her a place to stay. She could certainly manage getting her own food. Flustered and physically shaking I showed up at my sisters where Becky and Carillisa were waiting. They basically shoved me back out the door after dropping off the kids and Carillisa went to take Chelsea to the store. With a much better outlook they reminded me that I would be worth it and that I just needed to make it until the baby was born. Having the moral support of Carillisa was 90% of the relief that I felt. Having spent all day at school and in meetings I wasn't in the mood to take a girl that often seemed quite ungrateful to the store. She was stand-offish when we picked her up, odd silences, she would walk about 5 paces in front of us. Carillisa would make light-hearted jokes and kept things light. I was so grateful. We spent nearly an hour at the store. By the end Chelsea had warmed up and was giving us advice on how to pick good fruit. We (Carillisa) bought her some dinner at Arby's and we dropped her off. I actually had a good time. We unloaded what we had for her at the hotel and bid her a good night. I felt afterward like we had definitely done the right thing and that I was again so grateful that Carillisa and Becky had been there for me. Chelsea texted about 20 minutes later and said "thank you, you made my night".
I haven't miraculously felt a more Christlike desire to help her in every way. On the contrary, she texted yesterday and wanted to get out of the hotel she was in as soon as possible. My first thoughts were of frustration at how much work it is to keep her happy and in one place. I remember the way I felt the other day however, and need to try to look at this with a better perspective. I need to think less of myself, my time and my money and give freely, without concern of whether she deserves it or not. This has not been easy for me.....and I used to consider myself a selfless person, but to what degree? I'm really the one making this harder on myself by being selfish. I grudgingly take time to move her, or get her groceries, I am upset when everything she needs is so expensive. I need to remember that everything I have is not mine to begin with and that if it was God, he would give freely and that is what I need to do. Her needs should be a priority in my mind and think of everything else second. (Besides God and Family of course)
I have to remember too, as I feel incredibly grateful for my family that have been so helpful and giving to me and providing emotional and physical support that she doesn't have one. She needs one. I can help with that. I should help with that......how? I can't invite her to my home, it would not be good for Maverick and Brynlee. Carillisa was very loving towards her at the store, it was a good step.
A final thought. Thank You to Jon and Tyler who helped me get the trampoline out of the tree and assess the damage. For Alishia, Becky, and Carillisa for providing support while you were at my house and otherwise. Thanks to my distant family who offer helpful words and I know would have helped just as much if they were here. Wish me a change of heart to feel the things I have said rather than just think them.
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