Being Honest, and rambling.

I know someone that often when I read their blog I think that they are fairly negative and the half-empty sort. Knowing that I don't prefer to read half-empty material, I try to keep mine upbeat and speak of the good things.

Today I am going to be honest. True to my thoughts and feelings that may honestly be considered half-empty. They may be judged.

This month Andrew and I will be blissfully and happily married for 3 years. Hoping to add a kid to the mix for 2. Many many times during the day I have to remind myself of the wonderful husband I have, the great jobs I have been blessed with, ward, family etc. I have to remind myself all the time because I am so obsessed with wanting to have a little baby that it consumes any spare thought that I might have.

I pretend every time I hear someone gets pregnant to smile and be civil. I truly am happy for those people...really I am. It doesn't make my situation any easier. At first I found it really easy to not be bitter. I wouldn't really consider myself bitter now, but I find myself withdrawing from friends and family who are so lucky to get their chances at parenthood. I purposely don't check blogs of friends that are moving into that phase of life (at what seems to be lightening speed). It is hard and I often feel left behind. Like the kid who didn't get invited to the party, but everyone else did.

My dog just had nine puppies (ha!) who would ever thought I would be jealous of my dog. Man I sound really pathetic. Count your many blessings name them one by one. They come when they are supposed to. Have faith and trust in God's plan for you. Pray for patience.

I don't want to belittle any trials that many of you may have, but just remember to be grateful for the little ones that you may have. There are many of us that would love to have some, so when you feel you are on your last straw....remember just how valuable that little person really is.

I found out today that two of my reading student had been offered cigarettes by their parents. One of them was pretending with his pencil. They are 6. I told them they should tell their parents to stop they will get so sick, and they said they had tried. It is amazing to look into those innocent little faces and realize the future that lies ahead of them when you hear these things. Ironic.

I'm tired of crying about it. Half of me still wants it so bad, and the other half is ready to give up. If I'm not trying then I can't be disappointed.

:) I always think of those stories where these valiant women suffer all these trials with no complaint....I guess I'm not trying very hard. I really should do better. It is probably that I am selfish and want this for myself. I shouldn't be thinking about myself so much. Maybe if I had something to distract me into selfless work....you know like a KID...(just kidding).

I'm not writing any of this for sympathy, mostly just to be honest with myself and not "pretend" that everything is sugar-coated and perfect. I am going to keep trying to better myself and not be so selfish in my thoughts and allow myself to wallow. Onward Christian Soldiers...Ask and ye shall receive, Knock and it shall be opened unto you.